............Vagabonds and Erudites........... Vagabonds & Erudites
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Vagabonds & Erudites

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my life is really weird today. do i exist? is anything real? wow

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This wolf’s gotta run, chickadee. Try and keep up. 

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My eyes are crossing…it’s so late…in 24 hours I will be holding my dog…all is well. 

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The worst feeling in the world is when you think people are mad at you. And then you are just trying to watch every little thing you do and make sure you don’t make it worse but of course, that’s when all the stupid little mistakes happen or things outside of your control happen and you get blamed for it. 

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Medical Charting

You didn’t make me any promises.

"I love you" is not a contract.

Even the prettiest, most cared for flowers wilt and die. 

And the EKG struggles on.

The coldest winter I have ever known.

I’m not sure the last time  I checked in, but yes, I’m still there.

I’ll let you know if it gets any better.

So far, still hurts. 

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It’s raining. I think about you anytime my world slows down. In the calm, in the peace, in the quiet hours of the night and then again in the morning. I see you chasing something. Desperately driven toward something. I don’t think you know what it is, and neither do I. 

I’m not sure if I miss you, or if I just miss how things used to be. We are very different people now, and it’s a weird feeling to slip farther and farther away from you. At one point in time, I knew you very well. You knew me very well, too - shockingly well. Almost better than I knew myself. But here we are. Slowly disconnecting, but in that sad, lurching way that happens when at one point a little boat was connected safely to the dock, and is now drifting out to an endless sea. Strangers are made, and those old versions of ourselves knew one another at one time, but today I do not know today you.  

When I shivered in the night I did not wish you were there. When I gaze at the rain I do not long for your presence. When I fall down into the depths of my own mind, I do not reach for your hand to steady myself. I do not look around my world, expectantly waiting to see your smile. 

But I do think about you. And I do wonder what thoughts flit through your mind about me. They may be crusted with hate. Then I do not want to know what they are. They may be guilded with love. Then I do not want to know what they are. They may be steeped in regret. Then I do not want to know what they are. They may be iced in ambivalence. Then I do not want to know what they are.

I want to not know. I want to forget. I want to neither wait and hope nor remember and grieve. I just want to be. I want to be the version of myself that is indifferent to your existence. I don’t want to meet you again, in present or future. 

I want to close you like a bittersweet book, lay you down on a dusty shelf and carry on. The fact of you remains, but there is nothing to return to that I don’t already know. I have read the ending, there is no need to repeat the tale. There are good chapters mixed in with painful ones. But I have exhausted any possible novelty. There are no more new chapters, no tomorrows, no way to move back to yesterdays. 

Your lease on my heart has expired. What a fixer-upper remains! Move on. There is nothing here for you now. These walls require much fresh paint. I cannot repair while you stand in the living room. Please close the front door softly when you leave. 

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